Do You Really Know Your Child?

Message Summary:

In this eye-opening and deeply practical message, Chuck Swindoll addresses one of the most common—yet damaging—mistakes in parenting: the attempt to mold a child into an image of our own making. He begins by observing that while most parents love their children intensely, very few actually study them. Chuck argues that we often approach parenting with a “standardized” set of rules and expectations, failing to realize that each child comes into the world with a “pre-packaged” set of traits, temperaments, and talents. Drawing from the wisdom of Proverbs, this study serves as a theological anchor, moving the believer away from the frustration of “fleshly effort” and toward a “Resident Dynamic” of parenting that seeks to discover and develop a child’s unique, God-given “bent.”

The core of the teaching focuses on a revolutionary re-examination of the most famous parenting verse in the Bible: $Proverbs\ 22:6$. Chuck reveals that the traditional interpretation—training a child in “the way of the Lord”—often misses the specific Hebrew nuance of the text. By examining the transition from “parental control” to “childhood discovery,” Chuck reveals that the Holy Spirit acts as the ultimate “Harbor Pilot” for the home, helping parents navigate the “uncharted waters” of a child’s personality. The goal of this message is to stabilize the family unit by encouraging a “student-parent” mentality, providing the “inner filter” needed to distinguish between a child’s willful rebellion and their natural, God-ordained character.

Message Key Facts:

• The Myth of the Blank Slate: Chuck highlights the “shock and awe” realization that children are not born as “blank tablets” or “empty vessels” for us to fill. He notes that by the time a child is just a few months old, their basic “internal skin”—their temperament and personality—is already becoming visible. He argues that the Spirit’s “Resident Dynamic” is what authored that personality in the womb, and our job as parents is not to “fix” it, but to “foster” it.
• The “Bent” of the Bow: A major highlight is Chuck’s analysis of the phrase “in the way he should go.” He explains that in the original Hebrew, this literally means “according to his own way” or “according to his unique bent.” Using the metaphor of a bow, Chuck points out that every piece of wood has a natural grain. If you try to bend it against the grain, the bow will snap. He posits that many “feckless tragedies” in parenting occur when we try to force a child into a career, a hobby, or a personality type that contradicts their natural “bent.”
• Parenting as “Midwifery”: Chuck explores the Hebrew word for “train” (hanak), which was also used to describe a midwife touching the palate of a newborn with crushed grapes to create a thirst for milk. He suggests that training a child is the art of “creating a thirst” for the things of God by appealing to the child’s specific interests and skills. This requires a “long obedience in the same direction,” where the parent acts more as an observer than a dictator.
• The Student-Parent Policy: Chuck challenges the “voodoo theology” that says there is one single “Christian way” to raise every child. Instead, he calls parents to become “diligent students” of their children. He encourages an “internal filter” of observation: Does this child respond better to words or actions? Are they analytical or artistic? Are they leaders or supporters? He argues that when we know the “way they should go,” we can “launch the arrow” (Psalm 127) with far greater precision.
• Sibling Rivalry and the “Comparison Trap”: Chuck addresses the “rattling test” of sibling rivalry. He notes that parents often inadvertently fuel conflict by comparing children to one another. By recognizing that each child has a different “way,” parents can celebrate the uniqueness of the “Quiet Caleb” without resenting that he isn’t like the “Extroverted Esau.” This “Resident Dynamic” of acceptance provides the “quiet calm” needed for a peaceful home.
• The “Slow Recovery” of Parent-Child Ties: The sermon concludes with a poignant word for those whose children are already grown and perhaps “bent” the wrong way. Chuck reaffirms the “Harbor Pilot” concept, reminding parents that God’s grace is sufficient for “slow recoveries.” He encourages a “turn the corner” moment toward authenticity, where parents admit their past mistakes to their adult children, trusting the Spirit to repair the “shabby” and “loved to pieces” relationships of the past.

Message References:

• Proverbs 22:6: The primary text for the study. Chuck breaks down the Hebrew meaning of “train” and “in the way he should go,” establishing the “bent” philosophy of parenting.
• Proverbs 20:11: A reminder that “even a child distinguishes himself by his deeds.” Chuck uses this to show that a child’s character is visible early on for the “parent-student” to see.
• Psalm 139:13–16: The foundational doctrine of God’s involvement in the womb. Chuck links this to the “Resident Dynamic” of a child’s personality, proving that their “bent” is divinely ordained.
• Psalm 127:3–5: The “Arrows” metaphor. Chuck notes that to launch an arrow correctly, one must understand its weight and balance—a parallel to knowing a child’s unique nature.
• Ephesians 6:4: The command for fathers not to “provoke your children to anger.” Chuck argues that trying to force a child against their “bent” is one of the primary ways parents provoke and discourage them.
• 1 John 1:9: The “restoration” verse. Chuck points out that when we fail to “know” our children or when we “snap the bow,” we can find forgiveness and a “recalculating” grace at the foot of the Cross.
• Proverbs 3:5–6: The call to “trust in the Lord with all your heart.” Chuck reminds parents to trust the “Harbor Pilot” when their child’s “way” seems confusing or difficult to navigate.

Message Speaker:

Pastor Chuck Swindoll