Overview:
Ephesians 4:25–32
Living harmoniously as a family is an ongoing, intentional journey. The beginning of that journey is marked by great anticipation and genuine excitement. A bride and groom have high hopes and great dreams as they start out life together. However, as in all journeys, there are unexpected challenges the couple will surely face. Those challenges include the arrival of children, which requires the couple to cultivate valuable parenting skills—without a handbook to follow!
As each child grows, parents continue to adapt and adjust. Each age, from preschool through elementary school, requires adjustments along the way in order to keep the relationships harmonious. About the time we get our arms around all of that, the teenage years arrive! This time can be stretching and complicated, but it need not be impossible. It calls for even more adjustments and a greater willingness to change if we hope to sustain harmony in the home.
And then—a brand-new set of challenges arrive: our children reach adulthood, with a mind of their own. Can there still be mutual respect and meaningful relationships in the family? How can that all-important harmony be continued between parents and their grown-up kids?
Message Summary:
In this practical and insightful message from the Biblical Parenting series, Pastor Chuck Swindoll addresses one of the most challenging transitions in the family life cycle: parenting adult children. Many parents struggle to release the control they exercised during the childhood years, leading to tension, resentment, and fractured relationships.
Chuck provides a biblical framework for navigating this new season of life. He emphasizes that while the parent-child relationship is permanent, the nature of that relationship must change. This message offers “suggestions” for moving from a role of absolute authority to one of supportive influence, grounded in respect, boundaries, and unconditional love. Whether your children are just entering adulthood or have been out of the house for years, this message provides the wisdom needed to build a healthy, harmonious adult relationship.
Message Key Facts:
- The Shift from Authority to Influence: As children become adults, the parent’s role changes from “commander” to “consultant.” Influence is earned through respect, not demanded through position.
- The Importance of Boundaries: Harmonious family living requires a mutual respect for boundaries. Parents must learn to offer advice only when asked and to respect the independence of their children’s new households.
- Releasing the Need to Control: One of the greatest gifts a parent can give an adult child is the freedom to make their own choices—and even their own mistakes.
- Modeling Grace and Forgiveness: The same grace God extends to us should be the hallmark of our interactions with our grown children, especially when past conflicts arise.
Message References:
Introduction: The Evolution of the Journey
- Context: Chuck compares family life to a long journey that requires constant adaptation as the terrain changes.
- Theme: Embracing the reality that parenting doesn’t end, but it must evolve.
Relinquishing Control and Trusting God
- Scripture: Proverbs 3:5–6
- Fact: Trusting God with all our hearts includes trusting Him with the lives of our adult children.
- Insight: When we stop trying to “lean on our own understanding” of how their lives should look, we find the peace to let them follow God’s path.
Cultivating a Spirit of Kindness and Respect
- Scripture: Ephesians 4:31–32
- Fact: Bitterness, wrath, and clamor should be replaced with kindness and tenderheartedness.
- Theme: Creating an environment where adult children want to return home because they feel respected and loved.
Practical Suggestions for the “Consultant” Role
- Scripture: James 1:19
- Fact: Being “quick to hear and slow to speak” is the primary rule for parenting adult kids.
- Insight: Unsolicited advice is often heard as criticism. Waiting to be asked for input preserves the relationship.
Conclusion: The Goal of Autonomy
- Summary: The ultimate goal of parenting is to raise children who are dependent on God, not their parents.
- Final Thought: Success in this stage of parenting is measured by the strength of the friendship that remains once the authority is gone.
